Prototypes and Love Maps:
Being the Lid for Her Pot
Love Maps, Prototypes, and Childhood Crushes
Women think men are led around by their penises. We're not. It points us in a direction, I'll give you that.
-- Garry Shandling
It is a stroke of good fortune to find one who is worth seducing. ...Most people rush ahead, become engaged or do other stupid things, and in a turn of the hand everything is over, and they know neither what they have won nor what they have lost.
-- Søren Kierkegaard, The Seducer's Diary
Do you wonder why you seem to be attracted to a particular type of woman, like tall and blond, while your best friend prefers petite brunettes with curly hair? Your preferences are dictated in large part by the "love map" that you formed in childhood, a mental blueprint that contains the key characteristics you believe describe your ideal mate. Oftentimes, these beliefs are subconscious; they may have formed when you were too small to even understand the concept of sexual attraction. But they dominate our choices in mates, whether for a one-night stand or for marriage, because it is the sight or presence of a person that triggers our preset love maps, which leads to the release of the hormones in our brains that in turn cause sexual arousal. Women form the same love maps, and their idea of who is attractive to them might work for or against you. You never know without giving it a shot.
All of us have love maps or prototypes that were formed in childhood and dictate whom we are attracted to.
For example, when I was about seven, my tall, dark-haired older cousin from the countryside came to visit us in Kiev. I used to love to sit in his lap and gaze at his face. He was a marine, with a uniform with shiny buttons, Gypsy looks with wavy locks, and a wicked sense of humor -- very irreverent toward authority. I thought he was just about the most handsome, interesting male in my family; and lo and behold, when I grew older, I found that I was always attracted to men who looked and acted like my cousin. If you are tall, dark-haired, freedom-loving, and have a wild sense of humor and an anti-authoritarian bent, I am likely to fall for you if given a chance.
Every woman has a different "map." Take Pamela Anderson as an example -- her choice of Tommy Lee and Kid Rock clearly indicates that she likes tattooed and pierced rock musicians with a bad-boy side. To me, and to many of my model friends, Kid Rock is downright ugly, a total greasebag. But to Pammy, the guy looks totally different. Another centerfold I know must have "imprinted" early on a male with an underbite, because she has always found the jutting jawline to be attractive. Another model that I know has the prototype of an artistic bohemian as her love map, which has always drawn her to creative men with beards and long hair. Cecille Gahr, Hawaiian Tropic contest winner and the actress on the TV series Beauty and the Geek, admits that she has a thing for geeks and that she dated quite a few of them in her life. "I am talking about the glasses and the curly short hair," she confesses in an interview for Steppin' Out magazine. Other centerfolds, like Tera Patrick, have a thing for men who are dominant, who take charge of them and their careers. Penthouse Pet Natalia Cruze (Sophia Santi) only goes out with black or very dark-skinned men, even though she is Caucasian. And Suzanne, the radio host of WRAT, finds herself drawn to men with big noses, like Adrien Brody and Gerard Depardieu. The variety of men that turn hot women on is endless.
Knowing your own love map will help you become more confident in dating.
This "love map" of what men and women want in a mate develops during critical periods in early and late childhood as a result of a child's exposure to various people, and it is based on experiences with particular adults whom the child finds attractive and pleasurable. The love map is then "imprinted" or "hard-wired" into our psyches and becomes the inner scorecard that we use to rate the suitability of potential mates. Most people feel intense passion and drive when they find a person that fits their deep-rooted childhood ideal. As Robert Greene notes it in his book The Art of Seduction, "When a person has such a deep effect on you it transforms all of your subsequent maneuvers. Your face and gestures become more animated. You have more energy...Good seducers choose targets that inspire them but they know how and when to restrain themselves." Knowing this means two things: (1) you can use your love map to focus your scoring techniques on the women you will really take off on, and (2) if you strike out with a particular chick, you can easily write it off as you must not have been on her "map." Make a list of all the things that would make a "perfect" woman, as well as a list of all the things that would be "deal killers." Knowing what you want will give you the confidence to be choosy, to seek the right woman, and to get over rejection by deciding you can find someone who fits your list better.
If you are interested in a particular woman, you may want to find out what kind of men she has dated in the past in order to figure out her love map. If a hot woman you are interested in tends to date slender professionals with glasses, you can certainly increase your chances of capturing her heart if you lose weight, get a short haircut, and don a business suit and faux glasses. Or you can decide that such a change is not worth your time and effort and quickly move on to a better prospect. If you are diametrically opposite from her imprinted love map or ideal mate prototype, the hot woman with an ample mating budget is not going to be interested -- so don't waste your time. What you want is a woman who fits your love map and whose love map will fit you.
Knowing her love map will help you figure out if you can fit the prototype she is drawn to.
You might notice from talking to a woman or watching her in action that she seems drawn to a particular prototype. You can decide to "become" that prototype. But first decide if that style really suits you. Are you drawn to free-spirited women who love rock musicians? Are you willing to grow your hair long, get a few tattoos, and get involved in a rock band as a hobby? Or are you impressive discussing business affairs while dressed in a suit and tie? Then you should work on developing a serious professional look and target sexy women who would be attracted to that look. If you are drawn to women who are much younger than you, you need to maintain a youthful look and attitude and keep up with the latest pop-culture trends. If you love easygoing women with a good sense of humor, moonlight as a stand-up comedian. If you are attracted to the California girl prototype, there is no better way to check out and pick up tanned beach bunnies than by becoming a lifeguard. If you love slender fashion model types, take up photography as a hobby and attend fashion photography workshops (where models are usually hired to pose). Do you get turned on by fit, shapely women? Prepare to hit the gym yourself. As you will see in the section below, we tend to select partners based on similarity, so if you tend to prefer certain qualities in women, it is helpful to cultivate the same in yourself.
One prototype is a no-brainer. If your occupation calls for you to wear a uniform, capitalize on it. Almost all women, including the hottest ones, are attracted to men in uniform, particularly those that signify courage and virility. For example, many women find the firefighter prototype irresistible because it is associated with courage, risk-taking, and kindness (qualities that women find universally appealing, as we will discuss later). Kim Cattrall's character in HBO's Sex and the City admitted to being attracted to the firefighter prototype: "You fantasize about a man with a Park Avenue apartment and a nice big stock portfolio.... For me it's a fireman with a nice big hose." Playmate Charlotte Kemp had a firefighter boyfriend for three years: "I loved his compassion, leadership, and confidence."
Pet of the Year Julie Strain has always found firefighters to be extremely attractive. "Men in uniform are hot and they live their lives to protect the world. After 9/11, I go up to firefighters all the time and thank them for saving our lives," she says, getting teary-eyed. So if you have a risk-taking trait, consider becoming a volunteer firefighter.
Soldier and sailor uniforms also symbolize courage and strength. Similarly, if you are a police officer, you might find it easier to pick up women while wearing your police uniform and talking about your latest crime scene victories. I know several Playmates, such as Tylyn John, who ended up marrying police officers. Auto racing or motocross, or any signifier of a risk-taking profession or hobby, will also appeal to many sexy women, as they are often drawn to guys who are daredevils. Penthouse Pet Brea Lynn confesses her love for uniforms: "My boyfriend wears a uniform to work and I love it when he comes home for lunch in it!" Pet of the Year Jamie Lynn is definitely attracted to a bad-boy prototype: "I like a man with a bigger build and tattoos; however, no musicians. I do like men in prison blues, like the guys on prison break." Unlike Jamie Lynn, Pet of the Year Runner-up Krista Ayne likes musicians: "The rocker type always catches my eye first, although I have dated all different types. I am definitely a sucker for a Mohawk or really cool hair. Tattoos and piercings are really sexy, but not a must."
Personally, I have always been attracted to "men in white" -- doctors, scientists, and laboratory researchers. One day I dislocated my shoulder, and I went to the emergency room to have it put back in place. The man who came to help me was tall and dark-haired, and he was wearing that white medical coat. He acted with a lot of confidence and authority, so I immediately assumed he was a physician and equally promptly concluded that he was hot. I eagerly gave him my cell phone number and looked forward to hooking up with him. However, when I finally did go out with him, I found out he was an X-ray technician; he got a free score on the "love map" look, uniform and attitude alone, though.
Pet of the Year Heather Vandeven also has a definite prototype. "I've always liked tall men who are a bit strange but extremely intelligent, such as Anthony Bourdain, Howard Stern, and Jeff Goldblum," she says. Pet of the Year Runner-up Courtney Taylor also likes intelligent men. She is also attracted to men who are athletic: "Cyclists are so hot in their tight shirts and shorts."
You can decide to fit one of the prototypes popular with women.
Finally, what appeals to women with high dating budgets is distinctiveness, excellence, or notoriety -- in any field. If you excel at your chosen profession or hobby to the point where you will become recognized and respected for whatever you do, you will have an easier time attracting sexy women. If you think this is too hard to do, just take my friend Timmy, for example. He became paralyzed from the neck down after a traffic accident. He had always loved beautiful women and refused to give up being around them after his paralysis. He opened his own modeling agency, Stars Models, out of his Manhattan apartment, specializing in glamour models. Although he had only partial use of one hand, he had a special phone installed and dedicated all of his time to calling potential clients and recruiting models. His dedication and drive paid off. His agency became known as the premier agency for booking swimsuit and lingerie models in New York. Now he is not only surrounded by beautiful women but he also ended up marrying one -- an Asian woman who became attracted to his kindness and entrepreneurial spirit. She had always wanted to be a modeling scout herself, and by meeting Timmy she realized her dream of running her own modeling agency.
So pick a prototype that most suits your personality and work on projecting that image. Not only will it appeal to her subconscious idea of an ideal man but it will also give you a strong sense of self. The last thing a hot woman wants is a guy who vacillates about who he is or wants to be, who does not have strong opinions, convictions, or talents, or whose goal in life is partying or stamp collecting. Not having a defined self-image translates into not having a life -- which means you are likely to make her your life. That smells of a potential stalker or control freak.
Hot Women Hang-ups
All women think they're ugly, even pretty women....Even models and actresses, even the women you think are so beautiful that they have nothing to worry about do worry all the time.
-- Erica Jong
Learning the love map of your desired woman is only half of what you need to know. Models and women who succeed or fail on their looks have hang-ups that are less common in ordinary, average-looking women. There are six hang-ups that generally apply to centerfold models or women of equivalent looks.
1. They are often very insecure. That's right, you heard me, very insecure. As pointed out by Erica Jong in the quote above, all women worry about their appearance -- and beautiful women worry about their appearance far more than average ones! Surprising as it may seem, there is a sound psychological basis for this insecurity. Because our society puts a high value on physical beauty, girls who are born with good looks often grow up basing their entire self-esteem on their external appearance and fail to develop other sources of self-efficacy. Because beauty is fleeting and variable and, to some extent, depends on the eye of the beholder, such women often have a fluctuating self-esteem that requires a continuous validation of their desirability. Some achieve this by associating with handsome or high-status males, but others can be reassured by receiving continuous verbal validation of their lasting attractiveness. Understanding that you will be the vanity mirror to which she will turn to reaffirm her desirability is the key to dating a sexy woman. Whereas an average woman may put up with you admitting that other women are beautiful and even occasionally checking them out, a hot one will expect you to idolize her -- and her alone -- as "the fairest of them all."
2. They are often unhappy or neurotic. Although we often assume that beautiful people are happier than average ones, this is often not the case with beautiful women, particularly those who are in show business. Because beauties compete on the basis of their looks, something they have little control over, they often develop what psychologists call "external locus of control," a belief that they have little effect on their reality, a condition associated with depression. In addition, centerfolds and other models have undergone scrupulous scrutiny of magazine editors and modeling scouts, who are often very blunt and unkind in their criticism of imperfections (as some of you have seen in the TV show The Agency). They have been told over and over that they are too fat or too short or that their thighs are too wide or their breasts are not perky enough by the ultimate "arbiters of beauty" -- editors and agents -- and many of them internalize these beliefs as their own. Believe me, I was far happier with my face and body before I posed for Playboy, as the process of shooting a centerfold nearly destroyed my belief in my attractiveness. Every piece of clothing added to my body during my centerfold shoot was put there to cover some fatal flaw, some awful defect that was discussed by the photographers and editors right in front of me, as if I were a porcelain doll, not a live person with feelings.
Almost every centerfold I have met has had her face and body critically "dissected" by some modeling gatekeeper during the course of her career, and many have turned to plastic surgery to correct those flaws. As a result, models and actresses have a much higher incidence of psychological issues -- depression, anxiety, eating disorders, borderline and histrionic personality disorders, substance abuse, and body dysmorphia -- than average women do. For that reason, many men who date hot women become not only their lovers but also their de facto therapists. If you can understand the pain behind that gorgeous façade and not simply assume, like most men do, that beauty equals happiness, therein lies a pathway to her heart.
3. They want to be more than sex objects. Ironically, while hot women enjoy the power of their sex appeal, they detest when men treat them as mere sex objects. Although being "objectified" can feel flattering and empowering, particularly to average women who do not get sexual attention as often, it can also become burdensome, self-limiting, and stigmatizing. After all, our society views sex objects as dumb, self-absorbed, and existing solely to be used for sexual pleasure. Because beautiful women are more likely to have been victims of sexual abuse, sexual harassment, and nonconsensual sexual acts, they may also become more defensive about being viewed as a sexual object.
Thus, a majority of these women fall for men who appreciate them (or at least pretend to) for other aspects of their personality. In fact, both in my experience and according to surveys of beautiful women, one of the most desired compliments that you can give her is one that would emphasize positive characteristics above and beyond her looks. "You are not only beautiful, but very intelligent," "You have a great personality," "You are a joy to be around," "You are so down-to-earth despite your beauty" -- these types of compliments are guaranteed to ingratiate you in her eyes. No matter how hot a woman is, she is unlikely to appreciate your "blond bimbo" jokes. The more you treat her as a person and not as an object of sexual gratification, the more likely she is to fall for you.
4. They are usually "high maintenance." Hot women go to great lengths to look hot. They improve their bodies with exercise and plastic surgery; their facial features with creams, injections, and cosmetics; their hair, nails, and lashes with color and extensions; and they spend a considerable amount of time choosing the right clothing that flatters their figures. While teenagers can look great with minimal makeup and no effort, when a woman hits her midtwenties, age starts to take its toll. To retain her beauty, she will strive to purchase even more expensive accoutrements: designer clothes, makeup, and other beauty products. She is going to spend time and money in parlors and spas, in health clubs, and in other facilities that provide beautifying and age-delaying treatments. She might spend three times what an average-looking woman spends on these things, which means she has less to spend on other things, like food or entertainment. She needs a man who understands and supports her desire to remain at the top of the beauty totem pole, a man who indulges her love of clothes, shopping, and dressing up, and a man who is generous in providing her with the means both to stay beautiful and to show it off. You don't need millions to make it with a model, but you can't be thinking of saving up for distant rainy days either. Beauty always comes at a price!
5. They often feel "entitled." Most beauties have an exaggerated set of expectations. A majority of hot women know the powerful effect their looks have on men, and they might expect "special treatment" from the world based on their belonging to an "elite" group of sex goddesses. This expectation might go well beyond what most men, or society in general, are willing to afford them, as beauty is not necessarily accompanied by brains, talents, or any special abilities that carry high economic rewards. Nevertheless, a sexy woman's expectation of special treatment, or "narcissistic entitlement" as psychologists call it, cannot be ignored. Instead, it must be pandered to -- at least until she grows out of it -- and used in your approach. As "princesses-in-waiting" who believe that they are entitled to that special kiss from their prince charming, such women will expect you to be the prince who will give them that symbolic kingdom. As we will see, when you get her into your bed, you can make this happen, but to get there, you will need to project yourself as a prince who is not intimidated by her royal highness.
6. They can afford to be picky. It's true that they expect "higher value" in men they select as lovers. The psychology of mate selection suggests that men and women higher in overall desirability are more discriminating and impose higher standards in their mate selection preferences than do those lower in desirability. Evolutionary psychologist Norman Li has portrayed this mate selection preference in terms of the "budget[ed] allocation of mating dollars" that each person has. When a woman's mating budget is tight (that is, when a woman is only a 3 or 4 on a scale of desirability), she will go for guys who possess the bare "necessities," such as intelligence, work ethic, and a sense of humor. However, the women with larger "budgets" (the 9's and 10's), tend to require more qualities in a man, such as physical attractiveness, a high-paying job, noteworthy skills, or other qualifications. These women can afford to spend their "surplus" mating dollars on obtaining mates who are especially creative or who have interesting personalities.
This then is the target of your seduction: an often insecure, beauty-obsessed, depressed, picky narcissist who thinks she deserves to be a princess and doesn't like to be treated as a mere sex object, and who has her own unique love map of the man who, she imagines, will be her prince charming. It doesn't sound like the sort of woman you would bring home to Mama, yet she has the looks to knock your socks off, so you wouldn't pass her up for anyone or anything. Now, how are you going to land her?
Tip #1: Find your love map, which characterizes your ideal woman, figure out the prototype that she is drawn to, and adjust your own image (i.e., funny comedian, brave firefighter, ambitious businessman, etc.) accordingly. Then work on standing out among all the other guys that project a similar image. Keep in mind that hot women are insecure, neurotic, high-maintenance, picky, and feel entitled to special treatment but want to be appreciated for more than their looks, and be ready to deal with it and use it to your advantage.
Top 12 Most Popular Prototypes to Emulate
The reasons why these prototypes are the most popular is that they evoke qualities that women are drawn to (as you will see in subsequent chapters).
1. The Rescuer (firefighter, lifeguard, doctor, paramedic, and other medical personnel). Many women, including yours truly, are attracted to "men in white." The minute a guy mentions he is a physician, especially a surgeon, he scores major points in my love book. And believe it or not, it has nothing to do with money; I dated one physician who was perpetually broke because he worked almost entirely on a pro bono basis with indigent populations. Firefighters are universally admired and adored by women.
2. The Defender (soldier, police officer, bodyguard). Many hot women are afraid of violence and want to feel safe, protected, and taken care of. They love a courageous, strong man who is respected and deferred to by the general population. I know quite a few hotties who married police officers, soldiers, and bodyguards.
3. The Athlete (bodybuilder, martial arts master, tennis player). As mentioned above, women are attracted to men with big guns. By working out on a regular basis, you will more than double your chances of scoring with hot women. If you love to hit the gym, consider becoming a part-time personal trainer, as hot women often hire them. Choosing to excel in a popular recreational sport such as golf or scuba diving will definitely add a point or two to your overall sex appeal.
4. The Musician (rock star, troubadour, composer, singer). Music has always been used to inspire romantic feelings and sexual desires. I vividly remember falling for one of my sister's ex-boyfriends as he serenaded her with ballads on his guitar, making both of us melt. If you have any musical talents, work on developing them. Sing her Carly Simon's hit "You're So Vain," and she is guaranteed to love you for it.
5. The Entertainer (joker, jester, comedian, clown, harlequin, pantomimist, ventriloquist, magician). Just like music and movement, laughter elevates her mood and makes her feel good. No wonder women are attracted to the guys who can tell a good joke or make a funny face. So if you hone your funny bone, you will increase your chances of scoring. Jenny McCarthy is not the only one who finds Jim Carrey's silly faces very sexy!
6. The Artist (painter, sculptor, photographer). Most beautiful women love to have their beauty immortalized and deified through art forms. If you have an artistic talent, you have a direct path into their heart (and their pants). My friend Jon Paul is a romance-novel cover illustrator. Needless to say, beautiful women are constantly contacting him about posing for his work. If you can't draw or sculpt, take photography lessons. In my experience, photographers have no problem scoring with sexy women (I have slept with a few myself!).
7. The Entrepreneur (businessman, attorney). Because hot women have a sense of entitlement, most of them are not keen on the idea of having to work for a living. And because modeling and show business do not offer a consistent income, they are attracted to men who have big business ideas.
8. The Good Samaritan (philanthropist, animal lover, child rights advocate). Empathy and compassion are very high on any woman's list of attributes she wants in a man. There is no greater way to endear a woman than by showing kindness toward an animal or a child.
9. The Intellectual (professor, commentator, MENSA member). Believe it or not, intelligence is a highly coveted quality by hot women. If you are a walking encyclopedia of facts and stats, use your knowledge to attract hot women. Just make sure the facts you recite are entertaining, and you don't come across as an intellectual snob.
10. The Psychic (palm reader, tarot card reader, astrologist, hypnotist, medical intuitive). Most women are very intuitive and are drawn to men who appear to possess greater than average male intuition. Pick some mystic new age philosophy and bone up on it: if you can talk about Kabbalah to her, she'll be all ears. A great test to see if she is into mysticism is to ask her, "Have you read or watched The Celestine Prophecy?" If she responds positively and enthusiastically, then tell her that you feel synchronicity with her and that you would like to uplift her with your energy (make sure to at least scan the book beforehand).
11. The Writer (poet, novelist, songwriter, scriptwriter, producer, director). Hot women love men who are facile with words -- they love to be admired and immortalized in any art form, and who can sing their laurels better than eloquent men?
12. The Agent (attorney, book agent, modeling or acting scout). The agent has an obvious appeal to hot women because many of them seek fame and fortune in show business. The agent holds the magic key to that highly coveted world of glory and recognition.
Copyright © 2008 by Dr. Victoria Zdrok
Excerpted from Dr. Z on Scoring by Victoria Zdrok Copyright © 2008 by Victoria Zdrok. Excerpted by permission.
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